H-IV Negative &/or Still Twisted After All These Years

It came up again today, which doesn’t happen very often. Someone asked me how I could possibly be H-IV negative when I’d had a baby with a man who was H-IV positive. I began to stutter. The fear is never completely gone, it’s always there, at least the memory of it. Such a crazy time it was, pregnant at 25 by a guy with this new disease I’d barely heard of but knew could kill me. A disease I couldn’t talk about because people would run, shun, shy away, freak out, even those in the medical profession. I had to…

Dancing Girls

Everything I believed at 25 and 35 and 45 has been turned upside down & twisted around. Nothing is as it seemed: not my marriage, not my family, not the mistaken belief that Mel Gibson was an attractive & reasonable man with an adorable sense of humor. Last week at a freaking Jonas Brothers concert it happened again. WTF? * * * * * Immediately upon confirmation of the pregnancy resulting in my daughter, before I even knew she was a girl, I began shrieking “Oh my God, she’ll be huge & have an enormous head like your sons!“ (I…

Twisted Fasting

So I started fasting today and wrote a blog entry about it. Then I lost said blog entry. This did not go over well. However, I have not eaten a Twinkie or a HoHo yet and that alone is a success. But I’m determined to post daily dammit. So here’s the story condensed: the people in my family have a history of being fat motherfuckers, myself included. I never got into the 400 pound zone, like my brother, but I nearly made it to 250. For some ungodly reason I decided it would help my look to cut my hair…

Happily Twisted

Today was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. It doesn’t take much. I’m relatively low maintenance unless you’re comparing me to someone in a coma. Occasionally I spend time with people who need everything to be “just so,” and I feel extremely lucky that in most situations I’m perfectly comfortable just going with the flow. As long as everyone I love stays alive, the day is golden. My son sent me pictures from a plane ride he took around San Diego with a pilot friend. They landed safely. My daughter made me laugh like crazy…

Twisted Phone Antics

Interviewing for jobs has left me needing to actually answer my phone. Oh God, I hate answering the phone. As a little girl I was normal, running to get the telephone, expecting some kind of unbelievable excitement on the other end whenever it rang. That was subdued to some extent when some freak began making prank calls to our home. Nothing scares me more than an anonymous enemy, heavy breathing on the other end of the line or someone standing outside the window in the dark. I actually shuddered as I wrote that line. My PTSD with regard to phone…

Twisted Little Chick

Tonight is a sweet sixteen party and my daughter is invited. I’m not sure how another child’s 16th birthday is costing us so much, but we must be moving in on $175 at this point. The $25 gift card for the birthday girl has been the least of it. Last night was dress shopping. We were quite lucky to find not only a party dress but also a prom dress at the same store. All I can say is thank God a single retail outlet in America realizes there are girls larger than a size 13, because the look on…

Twisted Job Interview &/or I Hate Pretending I’d Hire Myself

Oh, I present so nicely at an interview with my toothy midwestern smile & expensive highlights & thick silver rings.  My laugh is pleasant and I make comments that clearly show empathy for how difficult the interviewer’s job must be.  After all, I did hire a chick to replace me once and she was an absolute disaster. (Her name was Jameelah and she changed all the computer file names for multiple appellate death penalty cases, with a brief due the following week.  Then she quit.  The attorney nearly had a nervous breakdown.  Clearly, I am not personnel material.) * * *…

Twisted Commitment &/or Welcome, Ray!

I told my husband last night that I don’t want him to read the blog.  You’d have thought I asked him to lop off his penis.  In other words, I’m sure he’ll be reading daily now. Say hello to Ray!  If he’d comment I might be more accepting, but he will not.  I believe in the CIA they call men like him spooks. I know this thing called marriage is far reaching and supposed to be about “commitment,” at least that’s what he keeps telling me.  To me ”commitment” is something that happens when you’re checked into a mental hospital against…

Twisted Employee &/or What Was I Thinking

Today was the third day in a row I had to be somewhere before noon, a monumentally big deal since I often don’t go to sleep until 5 a.m. As I passed cars on the right and drove sometimes 25+ mph over the speed limit, maniacal thoughts racing through my head, words that should not really enter the realm of any person never diagnosed as schizophrenic or psychotic, I wondered what my new employers would think if they could “see me now.” Yes, as of 5 p.m. I had completely finished training and been given a name tag with my…

Miserable Twisted Mofo

No doubt I probably should be placed on anti-depressants (plus anti-cholesterol meds and something to bring down my blood sugar) but fuck it.  I’m not willing to numb myself out to make other people comfortable, so they can live their lives with all the pawns in proper position. Although I do occasionally use cake.  Oh, and I did take a recreational Vidodin yesterday. I’m not enjoying my life.  My daughter is in the basement, where she spends most of her time when we’re in the house.  The single time I mentioned the possibility of divorce she began to cry and…