Twisted Job Applicant Looking For High Pay & Low Expectations

I keep looking for a job but it occasionally strikes me (after hours of perusing want ads and finding nothing viable) that I am the pickiest (or laziest) applicant ever to put in an application (or not). For example, one of the very few things I love to do is care for babies before they can walk, talk or think for themselves. I have this skewed image of myself as Aunt Jemima, a loving, caring baby mama. Reality: I am happy to hold the baby, caress it, love it, speak sweetly to it, as long as it gazes into my…

Ofukme

Someone told me today he can’t just complain about being fat and skip the gym or that makes him a hypocrite. Ofukme. I wish it was just the gym. I hate the sound of my own thoughts. R.E.P.E.T.I.T.I.V.E. I’m actually shocked that other people can’t read them, that they can misread me. Especially people who are constantly with me cause it seems like I’m screaming. It’s so much worse now that my husband is retired. Now he’s just here, staring off into . . . something. I’m not sure what. When we go places he sits in the back of…

Twisted Dipshit

Either I do nothing or I do everything at once. Every once in a while I will wake up and schedule myself and/or my daughter for 12 classes and 7 appointments that reach far into the future.  But most days I do nothing. So last week I purchased 30 days worth of Isagenix to try and get my eating on track.  I had the option of ordering 11 days worth, but went all the way.  What could I have been thinking? The lovely & extremely thin woman who is my “counselor” has provided me with all kinds of directions.  Oh…

Please Tell Me I’m High On Mushrooms, Not Looking At One Under Your Breast

In May I took a trip to the midwest for over two weeks. My mother and sister live in Kentucky and were just six hours away, so I went for just a day.  Miraculously, my mother never fails to outdo herself. After spending time with the children I sat at the dining room table with her.  Her failings aside, there is never a time I don’t feel guilty for being a relatively horrible daughter. For instance, she filled my trunk up with Christmas gifts.  I did not give her one.  I felt better after opening a few boxes, specifically one with…

Twisted Shit (In My Shoe)

WARNING: If you have a weak stomach avoid this entry . . . There are embarrassing things and then there are tragedies.  I don’t even know what to call the incident that happened yesterday, but I can’t let it go by without telling you about it, although you may never read me again afterwards.  But that’s okay. Only once in my life have I had a similar experience, and that was during childbirth.  I don’t think you can compare the two, really.  I mean, if you bear down and push hard enough while having a baby, lots of women poop…

Twisted ~ All On My Own

It all began to fall apart when my brother Jim died in August of 2018. Nothing since has ever felt the same. Until it happened I couldn’t have known my little brother was a weight-bearing cornerstone of my planet. It’s small solace to know how much I’m sure this pleases him. It happened the same week my one and only son moved to NYC (soon to be San Diego, and then West Hollywood). The same week one of my closest friend’s sons stepped in front of a train. Every single belief I held as a sure thing came into question.…

Twisted Fears

Lately when I write it sounds like I’m taking myself way too seriously, sort of like a 51-year old hormonal tight ass.  Nothing could be more completely unacceptable. But even as I write those words I hear a voice in my head say, “Well, it IS your only life.  It would be nice if you didn’t fuck it up.  You might want to take it a LITTLE seriously.” Some people stop eating (not me), some people get ulcers (not me).  Fear simply paralyzes me. I just had the most evil thought . . . I’m starting to sound like Oprah. * * * As Anni said…

Twisted Pieces of My Heart

I’ve been the kind of mother who is a pain in the ass to all authority.  I once wrote 2 pages of instructions regarding my daughter’s potential haircut.  After handing them over to the salon owner I proceeded to burst into tears.  She did not get her hair cut that day. Oh, yes, I am a fucking freak.  In my defense, I have had fine, straight, brown hair my entire life.  My daughter has magnificent blonde curls.  How can she possibly be mine?!  If you fuck with her curls, if you even tell her she should straighten her hair, you awaken a wildebeast…

Twisted Stalking Bitch

Tonight I realized, again, that my mother is stalking me on Facebook.  It is completely disgusting and creeps me out to know she’s following me around, reading the comments I write even to people she doesn’t know.  How did I find out?  She followed up my comment with one of her own. On top of everything else her spelling and grammar are heinous. I’ve blocked her completely in the past, but I’d rather she’s unaware I even care.  So now I’m going to have to play games. Perhaps I will come out as a lesbian on Facebook, but only make it so my mom can read…

H-IV Negative &/or Still Twisted After All These Years

It came up again today, which doesn’t happen very often. Someone asked me how I could possibly be H-IV negative when I’d had a baby with a man who was H-IV positive. I began to stutter. The fear is never completely gone, it’s always there, at least the memory of it. Such a crazy time it was, pregnant at 25 by a guy with this new disease I’d barely heard of but knew could kill me. A disease I couldn’t talk about because people would run, shun, shy away, freak out, even those in the medical profession. I had to…