Someone told me today he can’t just complain about being fat and skip the gym or that makes him a hypocrite.
I wish it was just the gym.
I hate the sound of my own thoughts.
I’m actually shocked that other people can’t read them, that they can misread me.
Especially people who are constantly with me cause it seems like I’m screaming.
It’s so much worse now that my husband is retired.
Now he’s just here, staring off into . . . something. I’m not sure what.
When we go places he sits in the back of the car like we picked him up at a retirement home and are taking him out for an early bird special.
I don’t know where he carries his disengagable testicles.
I’m a limousine driver with a 14-year old sidekick and her father.
It’s just weird.
What kind of man gives up all control & sits in the back seat by choice?
Worse yet, what kind of woman is married to him?
This was never what I wanted.
My mom married men who were powerless against her anger, who jumped to make her happy.
I swore I would never be with one of their ilk yet here I find myself.
Life is so fucking cyclical.
We’re all stuck on a demonic merry-go-round and I want off.
So what can I change?
1. The lies are killing me. I need to get real. No matter what.
2. I need to move physically. I’m a fucking potato.
3. I need to eat like a non-suicidal person with a functioning brain.
4. I need to make a schedule and follow it and stop being a loser.
5. I need to take responsibility, blame me and only me.
6. I need to stop being 16 and do things that aren’t fun.
7. I need to stop being an asshole.
8. I need to pack my shit up and move.
9. I need money and a job.
I have lots of ideas: memoirs, non-fiction books, internet marketing, websites, e-books.
I look at job sites.
I rotate it all in my head, never getting anywhere.
I get overwhelmed and do nothing.
I bake monkey bread and fall asleep.