Twisted Little Chick

Tonight is a sweet sixteen party and my daughter is invited. I’m not sure how another child’s 16th birthday is costing us so much, but we must be moving in on $175 at this point. The $25 gift card for the birthday girl has been the least of it. Last night was dress shopping. We were quite lucky to find not only a party dress but also a prom dress at the same store. All I can say is thank God a single retail outlet in America realizes there are girls larger than a size 13, because the look on…

Twisted Job Interview &/or I Hate Pretending I’d Hire Myself

Oh, I present so nicely at an interview with my toothy midwestern smile & expensive highlights & thick silver rings.  My laugh is pleasant and I make comments that clearly show empathy for how difficult the interviewer’s job must be.  After all, I did hire a chick to replace me once and she was an absolute disaster. (Her name was Jameelah and she changed all the computer file names for multiple appellate death penalty cases, with a brief due the following week.  Then she quit.  The attorney nearly had a nervous breakdown.  Clearly, I am not personnel material.) * * *…

Twisted Commitment &/or Welcome, Ray!

I told my husband last night that I don’t want him to read the blog.  You’d have thought I asked him to lop off his penis.  In other words, I’m sure he’ll be reading daily now. Say hello to Ray!  If he’d comment I might be more accepting, but he will not.  I believe in the CIA they call men like him spooks. I know this thing called marriage is far reaching and supposed to be about “commitment,” at least that’s what he keeps telling me.  To me ”commitment” is something that happens when you’re checked into a mental hospital against…

Twisted Employee &/or What Was I Thinking

Today was the third day in a row I had to be somewhere before noon, a monumentally big deal since I often don’t go to sleep until 5 a.m. As I passed cars on the right and drove sometimes 25+ mph over the speed limit, maniacal thoughts racing through my head, words that should not really enter the realm of any person never diagnosed as schizophrenic or psychotic, I wondered what my new employers would think if they could “see me now.” Yes, as of 5 p.m. I had completely finished training and been given a name tag with my…

Miserable Twisted Mofo

No doubt I probably should be placed on anti-depressants (plus anti-cholesterol meds and something to bring down my blood sugar) but fuck it.  I’m not willing to numb myself out to make other people comfortable, so they can live their lives with all the pawns in proper position. Although I do occasionally use cake.  Oh, and I did take a recreational Vidodin yesterday. I’m not enjoying my life.  My daughter is in the basement, where she spends most of her time when we’re in the house.  The single time I mentioned the possibility of divorce she began to cry and…

Tell Me Your Secrets

I have finally signed off of Facebook and am once again sputtering in disgust at the lack of original thought which exists in the place I spend so much time.  (It’s very much like real life, when I find myself taking over the conversation with my in-laws because no one speaks about anything other than recipes or weather.) Now there are polls.  People don’t even have to write a single line of content, they can just vote yes or no, Coke or Pepsi.  Egads!  I’m not asking for every single fucking detail about the overwhelming love you feel for [insert name] (blech!) or (God…

The Twisted Nature of Life &/or A Conversation With Mom

Spring has sprung and in all the excitement I picked up the phone and called my mother.  I know!  What a bizarre way to celebrate.  We’d had no communication since Christmas.  I’d essentially cut all ties with her and my sister due to the most recent stupidity.  When I say “cut all ties” I did it the virtual way, by blocking them from my Facebook page like a passive-aggressive dork. I’d made a snarky comment about Mom on my page & she’d replied with something like “You must be talking about some other mother I’m unaware of, I don’t give a shit what…

Holy Sh*t &/or Twisted Me

So I’ve been thinking I should be a nicer person for a few reasons, namely the fact that my insensitivity and flippant comments can hurt people’s feelings when I don’t even know I’m doing it. Especially sensitive peeps I love tremendously. There are only a few of those in the world and I need to make more of an effort to protect them from the fact that I open my mouth and let words spill out without considering their potential effects. This is nothing new. I made my best friend mad as far back as grade school because I wasn’t…

Sometimes You’re Depressed & Then Sometimes You’re In Deep Shit

This past week has been less than stellar. 1.) Started on insulin and not impressed with its’ lack of effect regarding my BS numbers. 2.) Gained 10 pounds and feel absolutely disgusting, every time I feel stressed I reach for sugar like a hard-core junkie. 3.) Feeling stuck and unhappy, bursting into tears re: inability to change my life (see #2). 3.) Regular thoughts that my life is over and not worth a pig’s ass anyway, so big fucking deal. But today I woke up and went on-line and someone had laughed at a sentence I wrote last night. Sometimes…