There’s A Burrito In My Pants

My daughter and I were on our way to meet friends at Barnes & Noble.  As always, I was running late. The only time it would ever interest me to scrub out the tub is when the car is packed to go on vacation.  Similarly, I might start a blog entry when I’m supposed to meet someone, like today, in an hour. The end result: I never take the time to properly put myself together.  I wear the same clothes I slept in more often than the average bear. On this particular Saturday night, as Rachel and I flew down the road,…

No Matter Where I Go, There I Am

Since my husband retired our lives have simply been weird. For close to three months I’ve been sleeping on the couch. It took a while to get used to it, but now I’m relatively comfy and it works. But when I wake up in the morning he is sitting approximately three feet from my head, as is exhibited in the following photo: Our home is relatively large, but every morning he’s right there working on a sudoku puzzle in the NY Post. To be perfectly fair, this is the seat he always sat in before I began sleeping on the…

On Books & Life ~ Part Three (A Conclusion)

The book combination noted throughout this 3-part entry could probably be used as Exhibit #1 in a competency hearing re: schizophrenia.  The shiny bow on this package is “Arguably Essays By Christopher Hitchens.”  At least 2/3 could have been written in another language, full of history & esoteric literary references.  Let me say it first, I’m not a deep thinker.  I glance.  I peruse.  I skip to the last chapter. But the essays on VietNam, Agent Orange, North Korea & the Kennedys left my mouth an open invitation to flies.  There are books and then there are BOOKS.  There are authors and then there are THINKERS and DOERS.…

On Books & Life ~ Part Two

Nothing about parenting children prepares us for parenting adults. I did not want to accept that I’m no longer even a consultant unless my son asks for my opinion.  He’s an adult male, more successful & responsible than I’ve ever been.  It’s his life, not mine. Yes, I considered discussing this with him; however, he views my cautionary remarks as something an old female hunchback would say to preface a hex.  “Be safe“ translates as: “You’re a moron so be extra careful.” Or in this instance: “To avoid destruction via your penis, here are pointers on how I handle mine.“ It’s not as if I’ve never instructed him…

On Books & Life ~ Part One

I read the book “Blue Nights” last month but unfortunately I’ve become a skimmer.  Similar to my recent attitude about relationships, my attention span is no longer capable of hanging in there unless I’m completely spellbound. So it was interesting to find this quote today: “When I began writing these pages I believed their subject to be children, the ones we have and the ones we wish we had, the ways in which we depend on our children to depend on us, the ways in which we encourage them to remain children, the ways in which they remain more unknown to us than…

Thieves & Heartbreakers &/or I Cried Like A Jackass in Johnny Rockets

Today I found out that someone I know spent $140,000 to get pregnant through In-Vitro Fertilization. I told my husband about it and he said, “To each his own.”  What a stupid fucking thing to say.  I mean, yes, to each his own. But isn’t that kind of a conversation stopper? There are so many pieces of this subject we could discuss, ad nauseum.  Instead, he seems to think conversation is unnecessary, perhaps hedonistic. How did I marry a man so adverse to communication when it’s so necessary for my mental health? If you read my comments, though, you know that Soapbox Diva…

Twisted Job Applicant Looking For High Pay & Low Expectations

I keep looking for a job but it occasionally strikes me (after hours of perusing want ads and finding nothing viable) that I am the pickiest (or laziest) applicant ever to put in an application (or not). For example, one of the very few things I love to do is care for babies before they can walk, talk or think for themselves. I have this skewed image of myself as Aunt Jemima, a loving, caring baby mama. Reality: I am happy to hold the baby, caress it, love it, speak sweetly to it, as long as it gazes into my…

Ofukme

Someone told me today he can’t just complain about being fat and skip the gym or that makes him a hypocrite. Ofukme. I wish it was just the gym. I hate the sound of my own thoughts. R.E.P.E.T.I.T.I.V.E. I’m actually shocked that other people can’t read them, that they can misread me. Especially people who are constantly with me cause it seems like I’m screaming. It’s so much worse now that my husband is retired. Now he’s just here, staring off into . . . something. I’m not sure what. When we go places he sits in the back of…

Twisted Dipshit

Either I do nothing or I do everything at once. Every once in a while I will wake up and schedule myself and/or my daughter for 12 classes and 7 appointments that reach far into the future.  But most days I do nothing. So last week I purchased 30 days worth of Isagenix to try and get my eating on track.  I had the option of ordering 11 days worth, but went all the way.  What could I have been thinking? The lovely & extremely thin woman who is my “counselor” has provided me with all kinds of directions.  Oh…

Please Tell Me I’m High On Mushrooms, Not Looking At One Under Your Breast

In May I took a trip to the midwest for over two weeks. My mother and sister live in Kentucky and were just six hours away, so I went for just a day.  Miraculously, my mother never fails to outdo herself. After spending time with the children I sat at the dining room table with her.  Her failings aside, there is never a time I don’t feel guilty for being a relatively horrible daughter. For instance, she filled my trunk up with Christmas gifts.  I did not give her one.  I felt better after opening a few boxes, specifically one with…